Recently, I pulled out an old book, that I read when the kids were much smaller, called Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours – by Kevin Leman. In this book, Dr. Leman talks to parents about Reality Discipline. Reality Discipline teaches the concept of letting children experience the reality of the consequences of their choices, by allowing life to be the teacher. I love this principal! Allowing our children to learn consequences at an early age is a positive step toward them growing up into responsible adults.
As a mom, I sometimes feel that I am constantly picking up after my children. I have tried teaching them by example, thinking that if they saw me do something enough times, that they would eventually catch on and do it themselves. Yeah… If you are a parent, you know that didn’t work at all! All that did was teach my kids that I would always pick up after them. I also found that constantly reminding (nagging) them to do things hasn’t caught on either. It seems that they have learned that they don’t feel the need to remember anything, because they know that mom (someone) is always going to remind them.
My youngest son, age seven, has quickly caught on to the concept of Reality Discipline. He consistently “forgets” to do certain things that are his responsibility. These things are not unrealistic for his age at all. These are things like: hang up your towel after a shower, put dirty dishes in the sink after you use them… you know… all the standard, normal stuff. Normally, whenever I would find the cold, wet towel lying on the floor, hours after his shower, I would pick it up and put it away – all while I was reminding him why we shouldn’t leave them on the floor and that he should be doing this. I would always say, “Next time, you’re putting it away,” but I always found that next time, I was the one putting it away… again…
Sooooo… Here it all re-started… reality discipline… This time, I picked up his towel and put it away, but not where it was supposed to go. I put it away where he couldn’t find it, and I never said a word about it, and when it was his time to take a shower again, he got out of the shower and to his surprise… no towel. At that moment, our conversation went something like this, Him: “MOM! I need my towel! Mmooommmm!!!” Me: (taking my time as I walk down the hallway) “What do you mean, sweety?” Him: (sounding somewhat panicked) “My towel is gone, and I need to dry off!” Me: (in a calming, soothing voice) I remember that you didn’t hang your towel back up after your last shower, so it looks like it might be missing.” Him: (turning on the charm) “Can you get it for me” Pleeeeaaaasssseee, mom?” Me: “You didn’t put your towel away last time, and now it’s gone. Looks like you’re gonna have to figure out how to dry off without a towel this time.” Needless to say, he was in there for a while, buck naked, dripping wet, and he stood there until he air-dried. About thirty minutes later, he came to the family room completely dressed, hair combed, and ready for bed. I get the feeling that he learned at least two lessons that night… “always hang up my towel, and if I ever find myself in a place where I don’t have a towel… no need to pitch a fit, ’cause I’ll be ok…” Both are great life-skills.
You see, reality discipline isn’t something that is harsh or overwhelming to a child. It simply teaches them Newton’s Law: For every action, there is an “equal” and opposite reaction. The keyword here is “equal.” Sometimes, we parents feel that we need to punish our children’s crimes with a takeaway or a swat (which do sometimes apply to the situation) but not always. Sometimes, if we simply create a reaction that is equal and opposite to the action, we get a response that leads to reality, which leads to change. In my story above, I simply created a situation where my son felt the reality of not hanging up his towel. They seem to catch on quick too. We left the house and I asked the kids to grab their coats because it was going to rain later. One of them said, “It’s not cold outside. I’ll be ok.” I didn’t scold him for going against what I had asked him to do. I knew the rain would take care of his decision later, and of course, it did. We walked outside, and it was raining. He threw his hands up in the air and yelled, “Consequences!” I just smiled (as I snuggled into my own coat) because I knew that he had just learned another valuable lesson. Needless to say that since then, he has grabbed his coat every time I have asked him to. There you have it… lesson learned… and there was no screaming, nagging or biting to get it done.
Dr. Leman has some really great ways of showing us that reality discipline can work in every situation you find yourself in, with your child. Can’t get your child out of bed in the morning in time for school, maybe he forgets his lunch or Science Project… Can’t get him to eat or maybe he’s just too picky at the dinner table? He has great advice for that too, and it really works! I have a few more stories, and if you know me, you know that I love to tell stories, but I will spare you this time. This has turned out to be long enough already.
So… will reality discipline really work? Well, that is still ultimately up to you, the parent. You can’t scream, fuss or nag your children into becoming responsible adults. Reality discipline teaches this naturally. You will have to be a little pro-active and creative, and you will need to learn to relax. Relax?!? Ahhh… Now that sounds nice, doesn’t it? Hmmm… It looks like reality discipline might change more than just our kids. (Wink, Wink)
